People tend to look at you funny when there is steam rising from your crotch.
I was rolling silverware at work tonight. I rolled everything that was clean, so I grabbed the dirty bin and sorted it to run it through the dishwasher. When it was done, I hauled the extremely hot sorted bin over to the silverware counter. It was pretty heavy, so I braced it against my belt to make it a little easier to carry. The second I set it down, one of the other bussers asked me to go watch his side of the restaurant while he talked to the manager. I grabbed my tray and headed out into the dining room. I stopped at the first table to ask if they'd like a refill on their drinks and bread sticks.
That's when I realized they were staring at my torso with extremely confused expressions. I looked down and realized that the hot water from the sorting bin had soaked into my apron, and since the dining room is cooler than the kitchen, the cold air was making a copious amount of steam rise from the hot spot conveniently located around my belt.
I quickly asked what they were each drinking and retreated into the kitchen. I doubt I'll live this down for a while.
Dear Bruno Mars,
While I was at work this evening, your song "Grenade" began playing on the radio. I would just like to inform you that any girl that has grenades thrown at her, people trying to stab and/or shoot her, and trains attempting to hit her, is PROBABLY involved in something you don't want to be a part of. Either that or she's a champion at being in the wrong place at the wrong time. In either case, she's probably not worth the time and effort, especially since as you say she wouldn't "do the same". I would recommend finding a girl that would put your life in less jeopardy. Also, while I found your song catchy the first time I heard it, after hearing it played 5 times in 2 hours, I'm ready to throw a grenade at YOU. Fair warning.
Signed, Just Looking Out For You
Florida Power and Light (affectionately nicknamed Florida Flicker and Flash, or as I've taken to calling them Florida Fickle and Fascist) shut off my electricity yesterday. I've been living alone in my mom's house, and have the electric bill down to roughly 50 dollars a month. I've been giving my mom the 50 dollars and entrusting her to pay it.
When her dog got hit by a car* a while back, she had to use the money to pay for vet bills and ended up being 2 weeks late on the payment. They sent us a letter saying that "as a precaution against future late payments" they were charging us a 300 dollar deposit...on a 50 dollar bill. My mom refused to pay it and they've been badgering us about it ever since. They finally came through on their threats to shut off the power, and I came home to find a notice on my front door.
It was late, I was tired, and I didn't bother to do more than glance at it before I began fumbling around in the dark packing things up to come stay at my grandparents for a few days. This morning, I actually bothered to read the notice, which was pretty self-explanatory until the end. The last bullet says:
"For safety reasons, please turn your main circuit breaker or fuse box to the off position. You must ensure we have safe access to your meter (i.e., gate open, dogs and/or other animals secured, apartment complex meter room door unlocked).
Excuse me?! You charged me an extravagant deposit and shut off my power, and now you expect me to make it easy for you to fix your mistake? I think not, my good fascists. Instead, I shall devise a series of horrible, horrible obstacles unimaginatively titled "The Gauntlet", which your technician must overcome in order to have the privilege of turning my power back on. As an added incentive for you to send only your best, if they fail I shall imprison them in a pit with an electricity-sensitive lock. This lock could therefore only be opened once it had power flowing through it. So, your technicians either beat The Gauntlet or become prisoners. And maybe I'll feed them to some lions.
Your move, FPL. Your move.
-Tim
The following sentence is true.
The previous sentence is false.
*She's fine now. She's just stuck in the cone of shame for a while.
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